Truly Happy…..
process
So much for the 100 day quick and easy…do something every day, get over hurt, be better scheme. Although, each day whether it be a random dance in my living room, eat cobbler…(which by the way I just remembered I have some in my fridge!! SCORE!) or hand out free hugs to people I don’t know. I have been doing something that continues to help my forward motion. But in reality I never took into account the days that all I would see or hear would be her. I never truly grasped that healing and recovery is a process, and no amount of business will cause healing. Really filling voids with “stuff” is just a sign of denial of pain, and those people never really deal with the hurt they just seem to sweep it under the rug. Take the ” If I can’t see you, you can’t see me approach” and hope that it works. Of course don’t mis understand me, becoming a home body isn’t medicine either.
Although things have been really tough, I can finally say life is sort of starting to take shape in the form of normal once again. It’s no longer consumed with the ” wonder thoughts”…” I wonder what she’s doing…” I wonder if she misses me..” I wonder if shes smiling..” Finally I can seem to think a little more clear and remember my purpose. But even though I may not be having the wonder thoughts as often, I know that there will be days when she randomly goes skipping through my frontal lobe. And those days may try to come with a ” under the covers, no school, ice cream, weepiness.” Though this may try to happen I will fight it, and instead I’ll goes skipping with her. And after Were wore out from skipping I’ll kiss her forehead, bid her goodbye and allow her to faid into dreams.
I’m not at 100% but I’m on my way…..
” forgiveness is for anybody who needs safe passage through my mind.”
-buddy wakefield
-Happy
there’s enough gallons of blood to make all of you oceans
Day 1 of Forward Motion (Closure & Cobbler!)
Why Can’t closure be like flinstone tablets? It taste’s good and at the same time you know that it’s still doing good things for your body! But no..we couldn’t have that! Closure has to be like Cod Fish oil. Even though It will make you feel better, It still taste’s like CRAP! And why does it seem, no matter how much you brace yourself, the truth is still never one of those things that will allways make you feel all warm and fuzzie inside. Today I discovered that no matter how hard I fight for something some times it comes to no avail. And sometimes, you get your butt handed to you with answers you don’t want to hear. And that is ok! SUCKS! But still ok. Because when a light is turned on inside a room; you can see exactly whats in front of you. Truth is the same way, when truth burns bright on a situation confusion leaves, and you see exactly whats in that room…or heck you may discover, there was no room at all!
Most importantly, Closure/truth allows and gives you the strength to make the next bold step into your wide future. Don’t worry I know it sucks right now, and you may be saying exactly what I’ve said. “But I don’t want to make the next step”..especially if a certain person, lifestyle, thing, etc. Is not making that step with you, it can be really hard to make a bold new venture on your own. I felt that so hard today, the feeling of fear, loneliness, abandonment. But I discovered in God’s beautiful grace, that there is so much strength when you throw caution to the wind and allow him to bear you up. And he is there to help us make these hard new steps.
Today not only did I swallow “Cod fish oil” But to make up for it I swallowed! COBBLER! Yes that’s right I went cobbler tasting. The resturaunt behind my Hotel brought in cobbler samplers..and I decided that I would taste all 4 of them! And let me tell you it was divine..and what better way to raise my spirits but with my favorite way to end a meal. I shall allways have a special place in my heart for the peach, the black berry was scrumptious, never make an apple cobbler..just turn that mess into a pie and spare us all the slimey texture. But the Cherry took the Gold for this Forward Motion event for the day…
SO HERE’S TO CLOSURE, COBBLER AND GOD’S GLORIOUS PEACE!!!! Ladies and Gent’s I see nothing but brave new things ahead of you and me. I no longer see the credits to this film..I hear an opening score, I see a strong new title, and I see us going out and greeting that brand new day!
100 day’s of Forward Motion!
Ever wake up in the morning and mumble under your breathe..”Something’s got to give”? Ever feel like your totally weighed down by the trappings of your memories? Yeah me too. Recently some things have transpired in life that I wasn’t expecting. As if life never does that to you! And because of this random change of events, my brain has been kind of heavy. And as all of you know HEAVINESS SUCKS!!!
Picking up pieces and restarting almost seems to much. Like you went to far out into the ocean and your trying to keep you head above water. And the revolving question that circles my head is “where do I even start”? I’m sure you can see where it would just be easier to pull the covers over the head, close the blinds, watch Julie and Julia and the notebook and eat ice cream! And I may or may not have done those things!
But just this morning I woke up, and it hit me…I’m awake! Wild epiphany right? Look the truth is that Heaviness is heavy and pain hurts…and it all sucks But were still living. So this morning I have decided that for the next 100 day’s I’m going to do one thing each day, that helps me propel into the the next day.Like, hugging someone I don’t know, making snow flakes out of paper, dancing randomly in a public place, running without shoes on, laying outside and falling asleep cause I got tired of trying to count all them shiny dots. feeding a homeless person, watching as many John Wayne movies as I possibly can, making a fake mustache and wearing all day long! And each day these events of forward motion, will be like taking a little bit of the weight off…will be a little bit of medicine for the pain. And at the end of these 100 day’s If I’m not totally cured…I will start another 100, and another and another until I can feel light again.
Maybe your where I am, maybe life has corkscrewed on you in ways you weren’t expecting. Don’t give up, it’s time to get out from under those covers and greet the day! Greet it with Grit! Greet it with Gumption! Greet it with your fist’s balled and your knuckles white! A smile on, arms wide and open for embrace. Make your life Sing! So I challenge you take this 100 day challenge of Forward Motion. If you do I want to hear about you’re experiences! till tomorrow dear friends!
Philippians 3:13 - Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead
Mr. Fix it
I have this huge irritation under my skin! It’s overwhelmingly frustrating cause it’s an itch I can’t scratch. You ever have a situation that you can’t fix? And everything inside of you wants to fix it and either you can’t or your not allowed to fix it; Or worse, you have a problem that you can’t fix and your not allowed to try at the same time….That’s the worse one!
As a man I think it’s inherently built inside of me to be a fixer, even when I can’t. The kitchen fosset?…”I can fix it”…The toilet?…”I can fix it”….A broken heart?….” I can…well I want to…well just let me try”…”F”!! In all honesty I’m so tired of this emotion. This desire to fix it, to make it right. “Maybe if I say the right thing she won’t leave,”…”Maybe if I sing louder,dance harder, go on tour some where, give up everything, move somewhere else, Maybe if I’m not me, I’ll be enough.” And all of these Goliath questions are rattling through my brain and I can’t find the right stone to thrown at them.
The truth is that My hands aren’t big enough to hold tools to fix this one. And really I don’t even have the right tools to even try. I’m tired, I’m hurting, and all of the above. This is the battlefield, this is were I fight the good fight of faith. This is where, as a man I humble myself (though it is so hard) and realize that God will fix it. So from now on I’ll lay aside the pride, fight off every opportunity to get discouraged, weep like an idiot, and throw up on occasion. I can’t be Mr. Fix it the more I try the more I break. So i’m going to give up and pull myself up by my boot straps and move on.
p.s ( I know that it seems like all my post are so sad and deep. I promise I’m not a little emo kid cutting myself in the corner…LOL…I swear I’m a happy guy.)
LISTEN!
Forgiveness is for anybody who needs safe passage through my mind. (Buddy you have been reading my mail again)
Ironically appropriate
Sparks in the Dark
Hurt has such away of testing every part of your character. It seems to take this tour of every emotion that you posses and the potential you have of being and reacting as someone else, whether that be good or bad. Everything is under testing, and everything is under construction. My emotions have seemed to change every hour allowing me to see what a mess I can really be if I give way too it. From ferociously furious to down right dreadful despair, nothing is safe nothing is hidden and all are screaming at me, “THIS IS WHAT’S INSIDE YOU!!! THIS IS WHAT YOUR CAPABLE OF BEING!” Either a man in the healing process or a monster on the warpath.
What a funny thing, a broken heart is. How it can seem to twist you and fold you. Now understand that it’s not the hurt that brings resolve too a life. But it’s the healing process and the growth that comes from such a pain. It’s the learning of what an utter mess I can be if I allow this pain to rule me. If there was no healing and only pain, you would learn nothing you would only hurt. This morning I woke up with my stomach in knots, my heart throbbing, and my palms sweaty. I felt as if loneliness had gotten in bed with me and was wrapping his cold arms around me. But in this utter darkness I grabed my bible and read in psalm 32- The LORD’S unfailing love surrounds the man who trust’s in him. And all of a sudden a spark shot off in my chest and I could see through this mind numbing darkness, a hopeful end.
I’m no longer afraid of hurting any more, for where is my trust? Not to say that those who place there trust in the LORD’S unfailing love will never hurt. That’s not what it said, it said his unfailing love would surround him. So through the darkness, through the random shots of pain in my body, through the loneliness, through the tour of all my short comings, his UNFAILING LOVE, wraps me up and does not let me go when I trust in him. I Know that this is a process as is everything.And I know that pain and hurt and confusion will try to come again. It will not relent until it has all of me. But how great is it that God is on the same path for my trust and my heart. A relentless fervent seeking of my heart! I see hope and that too me is the most beautiful thing I have seen this week.
